[TW] Whenever I Close My Eyes.

[this will be in english and i'm sure there will be many mistakes, but i really can't do this in german right now, sorry.]

the past ten days and nights, i had to see her face, to hear her voice, again and again, without pause. it haunts me, whether i'm awake or sleeping, and although my therapist helped me so much - holding me, letting me cry for hours and reassuring me she would be there for me, saying that she believes me and she really, really does like me - the intrusions just won't end.

she is the reason i hate myself so much at the moment.
for her, our relationship was all about power and hierarchy. when i brought myself to thematise that i don't feel comfortable this way, she stated that i'd behave like a child, therefore she would treat me like that and i'd better stop complaining.
she threatened to interrupt our relationship if i wouldn't let her see my self harm, allegedly to see if it was perilous though she wasn't a doctor and could have rated it not better than me.
she laughed about my embarrassment when i stood trembling in front of her, unable to speak or to move and when i cried whilst showing my arms to her (thank god i never told her about my legs or about stitching these wounds up by myself), she asked me why i did make such a fuss about it, she would have seen worse, and she would send me away if i'll wear long sleeves in her presence ever again.
she investigated me in a very disrespectful and sceptical manner about the traumata and what happened exactly without properly preparing me. of course i had a flashback, i even vomited on her floor, and she reacted completely surprised, even let me run away.
when she found out i tried to kill myself afterwards, she accused me of abusing her trust and forced me to do a behaviour analysis about "this inappropriate conduct".
we never talked about the incident again.
the worst thing was that she reasoned i'd be a masochist; therefore my experiences would have been neither assault nor rape. she told me admitting it would solve all my problems.
the next half year i spent more or less dissociated. it seems as if i followed my daily routine (high functioning as ever), nonetheless these six months are erased from my memory as if they never existed.
finally she dismissed me after i didn't manage to maintain my weight. last thing she told me was i'll never be able to live a normal life because i'll always be a borderline patient.
and i believed every word she said.
because she was my therapist.

writing this down was my homework from therapy yesterday, and now i really want to die.
(but don't worry; i won't do anything, because i don't deserve this salvation.)